


Reverently Anchored

by alaicrane



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Character Study, Denial of Feelings, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Friendship, Loss of Virginity, Male-Female Friendship, Non-Chronological, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, or so they claim
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-07
Updated: 2016-07-26
Packaged: 2018-05-25 06:05:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6183571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alaicrane/pseuds/alaicrane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What should define the boundaries of their friendship? Neither Finn nor Rey are exactly sure and frankly, it shows (a lot). This leads to an order by their respective superiors to figure things out: enter the "one time deal"</p><p>Based in part on the TFA kink meme prompt "they both grew up in different forms of isolation...they're not used to kind words. But when they're together, they each discover that they really like words of encouragement, both praising the other and receiving the praise. So just lots of compliments and enthusiastic vocal appreciation of each other, whether it's sexual or just in their day-to-day lives."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Biased (Present)

His head is spinning, every cell in his body is humming yet overly sensitized like a raw, exposed nerve...and for as much as he had agreed they needed to do this one time to get it out of their systems, Finn needs a moment (or two) to process now that the act is done because he's beginning to sense that maybe this was exactly one time _too many_. 

So when he begins to pull himself out of Rey - so slowly, he can feel her still fluttering all around him from her own orgasm - Finn nearly misses it. How the whimpers and sighs from her lips suddenly take on a sharper, choked quality he's never heard from her in the months they spent learning each other's bodies. 

In fact, he's only ever heard this sound from her when she's in distress. 

Finn freezes over her, smooths the damp hair from her temples. "What's wrong?" 

Most of her face is illuminated by the glow of D'Qar's moon through the barrack's window, but Rey's eyes remain shut as she shakes her head. 

"Please don't," is all she whispers, telling him nothing.

Her right hand behind his neck curls up and he shudders, nearly tipped over the line from pleasure to discomfort at the echoing motion of her body enveloping his half hard cock just as tightly below. He thumbs away a stray tear from her flushed, freckled cheek yet is already attempting once again to withdraw so he can properly assess what he's done wrong, how he's hurt her.

"Rey, I-"

And suddenly Finn's the one choking on words from the way her naked limbs wrapped around and cradling his body contract so tightly, that not even a whisper of the quiet barrack's cool air could find its way between them. 

She breathes a low apology, then plants a series of sucking kisses against his stubbled jawline before lowering her head back to his pillows. 

"You just feel so good," Rey murmurs as she finally meets his worried gaze, her eyes slowly leveling down to his mouth. "I-I think..."

Rey hesitates before pulling his head down to press her soft lips to his over and over, small unspoken coaxes not stopping until Finn finally relents. They simultaneously groan as he sinks fully back into her welcoming heat. Finn shivers at the slow but purposeful glide of her touch up his abdomen, over his collarbone until she's framing one side of his face with her hand, while one long, smooth leg twines around the back of his as if daring him to try disengaging from her a third time. 

She doesn't speak until their eyes meet again. "I just need a moment, like this, before we stop. Okay?" 

Finn feels his concern for her splinter and shift in an entirely different direction in realizing where this plea is coming from. It's not that his earlier instincts to find somewhere safe(r) to decompress have gone anywhere, he thinks, but what Rey is asking for is nothing compared to everything she's given him. 

He nods his assent before burying his face against her neck, breathing her in. Willing his wildly beating heart to settle and pace itself in time to her steadily slowing one. Silently marveling at how the boundaries between her flesh and his have seemed to blur and fade now that he is finally still enough to anchor himself in the reverent warmth of her all around him, clearing his mind so that he can properly catalog and file this memory away in a manner it deserved. 

He hadn't realized he needed this almost as desperately as she did. 

"You feel amazing," Finn exhales into her ear, thrilling at the answering thrum that runs through her thighs to the place where their bodies are still joined. "You _are_ amazing." 

"I find you far more impressive, my friend." Rey hums as she runs unhurried hands up and down his sweat-slick back. Every light graze of her fingertips on his overheated skin works to soothe his fraying nerve endings, eases the lingering tightness in his chest. 

"We're a bit biased at the moment, no?" she quietly picks up several seconds later with a more playful tone. He knows she can feel his smirk against her cheek, and it's all he can do to continue ignoring the growing throb between them. Then an errant thought occurs to him and he lifts his head. 

"But, you're _you_. So how can you not be amazing?" 

Considering what they had just done, Finn doesn't expect to feel so affected by the shy, radiant smile which accompanies the heavy flush of her skin, the way her pupils have completely blown out the mossy green depths of her eyes. 

The sheer complexity of emotion eclipsing her features brings an unexpected wave of...something, that renders Finn speechless.


	2. Reunions (Past)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Considering what they had just done, Finn doesn't expect to feel so affected by the shy, radiant smile which accompanies the heavy flush of Rey's skin, the way her pupils have completely blown out the mossy green depths of her eyes._
> 
> _The sheer complexity of emotion eclipsing her features brings an unexpected wave of...something, that renders him speechless._

**Five Months Ago**

There had been no consistent rhythm or pace to Rey's time on Ahch-to with Luke.

Many days had been spent in total silence, with their only interaction being the joint preparation of small meals. Others had been filled to the brim with questions of her background ("Where were you raised? Who raised you?") punctuated with stories of his own lineage, his journey through the galaxy, then more questions of her own intent and what had led her to accepting General Organa's directive to bring him back.

"I'm not completely...I'm not sure," Rey had admitted, then inwardly flinched. 

She could not fathom the response that kind of ambivalence might draw from the Jedi master. Had she ruined everything before it began?

Instead, Luke's vividly blue eyes crinkled in the corners and he gave a small nod. "Good. Your honesty will guide you well." 

He'd then instructed her how to properly meditate on fixed points solely of his choosing. Some of these points had been as insubstantial as a single blade of grass growing on the opposite end of the island, while others were shapeless incorporeal markers beyond any physical plane, that could only be sensed using the Force. 

Rey had been fascinated and overwhelmed all at once.

The following day, he had gained her permission to telepathically track the movement of her mind as she focused in on each point he'd set. Rey knew she had done well with physical objects, big and small. Her mind would empty then contract around each object for as long as it took her to mentally spot their locations on the island: an armful of driftwood stacked in a damp cavern by the western shore, a split seashell wedged between steps 136 and 137. 

On the incorporeal plane, however, Rey's mind would drift towards then continuously encircle a dull yet incredibly distracting flicker before settling on whatever marker Luke originally designated. It happened three times in a row.

Frustrated, her eyes had snapped open halfway through the exercise to find the Jedi sitting across from her frowning imperceptibly at the watery horizon. 

"What _is_ that, Luke? Why does that keep happening, how can I stop it?" 

"It's not a "what", I'm afraid," was his quiet response as he briefly glanced at her, "and only you can answer the rest." 

Then there was the curiosity of the jagged raised stone near the eastward cliffs. 

Rey could clearly make out his robed outline standing before it, on cool evenings when the blanket of stars shone brightly above the relentlessly churning waves surrounding the island. The first time she'd laid eyes on Luke he'd been beside that crooked stone, but she'd honestly thought nothing of it. 

The second time had been exactly two weeks after her arrival, the damp sea breeze billowing so strongly at dusk that the air felt almost too dense to breathe. She had taken steps to join him before reconsidering, strangely feeling as though she might be intruding on something private. Maybe, she thinks, a sacred Jedi monument?

She finally gathered the courage to ask him during their meal that night if the stone formation was natural, or one of his own creation. 

"It's a grave," he'd responded instantly, lifting his gaze from the firepit between them into her reddening face. 

"Oh, no. I'm so sorry," she'd stammered lowly, immediately setting her earthen bowl on the ground. "I had no idea. I never would've asked if I'd-"

"Rey," Luke had cut her off. "Finish eating."

When she had furtively glanced his way, Rey was surprised to see an almost sympathetic expression there. 

He seemed to hesitate, then added, "I can tell you what happened, if you're ready to hear it." 

_Ready?_

Something sharp and painful twisted at Rey's insides and like that, her appetite was lost. "That's okay. Another time, perhaps."

At dawn the very next morning, when Rey felt what she could only describe as that dim, latent flicker in the Force _spark_ , she had (unsuccessfully) spent the entire day trying to convince Luke to return immediately to the D'Qar base with her. 

"You don't understand!" she demanded, pacing before him with her staff in hand. "I think I know what it was, now. But I have to go back to be certain."

"Rey. You have been and remain free to leave whenever you choose," Luke had remarked impassively, turning another delicate page of his book. 

Teeth clenched, Rey had turned on her heel and calmly walked away from him. She managed to gather all of her meager belongings, and was halfway to the Falcon in minutes before reason fully caught up with her feelings. Rey hardly felt she had even begun to understand Luke. But she could not deny that she cared what he thought of her, her worthiness to be taught how to channel and wield this terrifying power for the sake of good. She was embarrassed at how rash her actions must look to him, how impulsive. 

And besides...what if that flicker was not who she believed it to be, but some sort of test she was certainly about to fail?

Canvas bag slung on one shoulder with her staff across her back, Rey swallowed twice and took a deep breath. Centered her thoughts on the individual blades of grass crushed beneath her boots, the earth and rock rooted even deeper, and closed her eyes once her mind was securely wrapped around the very core of the island itself. 

When her heart no longer felt as if it would beat out of her chest, she reversed her path to quickly hike back up the steps. 

After seven more weeks, there was still no hint of an answer from Luke about his decision to fully train her, or return with her at all. Rey struggled to quell the anxiety from being away from the D'Qar base, yet far too close to that solitary gravestone on the cliff.

And - despite Luke's assurance that what she'd felt there was not some sort of test of his making - she remained completely unable to ignore the distraction of that now vibrant, undeniable presence in the Force.

"You can't do it?" Luke had asked, almost casually inquiring about her continued failure with his hands clasped behind his back. 

"That's right. I just have to find a way to manage it, I suppose," Rey responded. 

She didn't argue when Luke asked her to pack her things. 

She did nearly burst from excitement, though, at processing the second part of his statement.

"You're really coming back with me?" she asked repeatedly, even as she witnessed countless volumes of ancient texts, artifacts and tightly wrapped bundles levitating overhead as Luke sent them artfully flowing out of his cave and around the curve of the island in the direction of the Falcon.

"We've already been away too long." Then he led her down the rocky steps formed from the crag he'd taken as sanctuary for so many years. 

Warm, salty breeze whipped her hair into her face as her smile widened, and her careful steps beside him turned into a near run down to the waiting ship parked on the rocky overhang below them. 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Within seconds of disembarking, she was only able to swallow the disappointment of not seeing him among the welcoming crowd upon recalling that sight alone was no longer necessary to find him. The vibrant, almost restless thrum of energy emerging from one of the central buildings towards the north edge of the landing zone could only belong to Finn. 

Rey gripped her rucksack tighter, so grateful that the majority of the gathered Resistance had converged around the reunion of Luke and the General, and did not appear to be disbursing at any point soon. She only had half an hour before she had to meet with both of them for debriefing and Rey wanted to make every second before then count.

After a few minutes of tracking him, Rey found herself directly behind him and eye level to his wide, t-shirt clad shoulders as he was flanked by two pilots in orange on either side.

"Finn."

Distantly, Rey registered the low murmur of "Rey?" from his lips and the dual thunks of her rucksack and staff on the tarmac before finding herself fully enveloped by and lifted against him. 

"Finn! Put me down!" Rey exclaimed even while throwing her arms around his neck, feeling as though her smile might crack her face in pieces. "Your injuries-"

"Officially on the mend. I'll be alright," he murmured against her ear. 

Though he didn't release her, Finn did oblige her request by gently lowering Rey back on her feet. It's hard for her to believe this is only the second time she's ever held him this closely - she can already tell he's slightly leaner, mostly likely in part from his two-week long coma, but the worry generated by the small differences in his frame pale in comparison to the warmth she feels spreading through her mind and body. This is not just a dream, or an unlikely hope for the future, she thinks, but reality living and breathing in her arms. 

Rey leaned up further into the embrace at this thought, pressed her forehead to his as she apologized for leaving before he woke up.

"No need," Finn responded, lightly grasping her nape. "I heard about how long you waited, from the General and Poe. I mean - yeah, I was worried about you, but proud you did what you had to. Still am." 

Something about his words amplified how good it felt touching him now that he was awake and reciprocating. And aside from the hint of something faintly medicinal, he smelled really good, too. Then Rey wondered...if a person could naturally smell so nice, was it possible for a person to _taste_ good as well?

 _Kriffing hell_ , Rey was glad she caught herself before voicing that odd thought out loud, and cast it from her mind. 

"I'm just happy to see you're okay," she said neutrally.

Finn pulled away from her to scan her face, a serious expression settling over his features. "But, what about you?"

Rey felt her brows knit together. "What?"

"Are you okay? I mean, you were thrown against that tree so hard, and then you were knocked out and I didn't know if-"

Finn is silenced when Rey pulls his forehead back down to hers, and she purposely projects to him just how okay she is, how she is actually bordering on ecstatic and just how much of that is due to being reunited with the person she considered to be her first and closest friend.

"Oh, wow. Me too," Finn whispers, and for a purely indulgent moment, Rey closed her eyes and allows her mind to wrap only around him. 

"Sorry for interrupting...this," Rey hears the soldier she remembers as Poe blithely cut in, "but I've been waiting for centuries to greet the second best pilot in the galaxy." 

Rey turns in his direction with a small smile and accepts his outstretched hand. "Hello again. Thank you, by the way," she quietly adds, referring to the promise he'd made over two months ago to watch over Finn. 

"No problem, kid."

""Centuries"? She literally touched down a minute ago," Finn remarked, after grabbing Rey's things from the tarmac and handing them back to her. He'd missed her thanking Poe entirely.

"Try 21 minutes ago. Jess was timing," Poe counters with a full-bodied laugh as the lovely pilot on his other side gave a shrug. 

"We had a bet, I won. The Wookiee's intel was _solid_. Jessika Pava, by the way." 

Though baffled by the entirety of the trio's exchange, Rey readily accepted her handshake. "It's so nice to meet you. I'm just Rey. But, what intel are you talking about? Chewbacca just got back with me."

Before Jessika could speak, Finn lightly grasped her elbow. "Sorry about them. Chewie apparently talked a lot of shit before you guys left and it got around, you know? Standard base scuttlebutt."

"I see," Rey slowly said, then followed the direction of Finn's stare to see a silver-plated med droid ambling from the same multi-building structure Finn had come from, towards their small group on the edge of the tarmac. 

"Looks like the doc found you," Poe commented, while at the same time Finn had muttered, "I was hoping she'd still think I was sleeping in the medbay."

Those words seemed to snap Rey from the previous direction of her own thoughts. 

"Medbay? You still have to sleep in there? I thought you said you were fine?" she rapid fire questioned. 

Finn lowered his eyes for a moment before glancing toward Poe and Jessika, who were both giving the ex-Stormtrooper a look Rey couldn't begin to comprehend if she tried.

"It's nothing big. Just a sleep thing," Finn followed quickly, nudging her shoulder with his own. She released a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. "Dr. Kalonia's been having me try different combinations of painkillers and sedatives."

"It would be a miracle if you got more than that out of him. None of us have been able to," Poe trailed, before he and Jessika waved at them both before heading off in the opposite direction, to join the still massive crowd around Luke and Leia.

Rey wasn't sure what she was expecting from Finn, but it definitely wasn't him telling her the actual reason behind his medbay barrack of his own volition, as they walked after the dutiful med droid leading them back to medical enclave. 

"Of course," she murmured. Her eyes tracked him carefully as she silently agreed that she wouldn't have told anyone on the base, either. "I understand." 

The question formed on Rey's lips, but she decided to hold on to it, for now. 

In the glass entrance of the medbay Finn paused briefly, before turning to give her an easy grin that didn't quite reach his eyes. "See you at dinner." 

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

It's the fifth night since she and Luke returned to the Resistance base. Rey was safely tucked into the darkness of the Falcon's cramped sleeping quarters ("no thank you", she had deferred upon the General offering a more comfortable yet less private shared bunk with two newly recruited Nabooan engineers). 

This old, junkpile ship would never truly belong to her, but it was a constant in the still shifting chaos which had become her life. 

Her mind has been racing ever since landing on the lush, hilly planet. Debriefings with the General and other Resistance leaders, training with Luke, meals with barely-remembered faces who might potentially be new friends. A celebratory dinner with the entire base that had left her stuffed to the brim with food, laughter and a sense of belonging that also left her feeling a bit overwhelmed, if she were to be as honest with herself as Luke encouraged her to be.

The most important part of her return, however, had been confirming with her own eyes what she'd felt in the Force since her departure: that Finn was alive, he was whole, and he was...just as annoyingly busy as she was.

It's nestled in the quiet familiarity of the Falcon when Rey finally allowed tears of frustration to slip down her face, plastering wisps of hair to her neck. Finally allowed herself to acknowledge that the aching knot she'd felt form deep in her belly, draped over Finn's dying body in the snow, had only slightly unraveled since their reunion.

Rey was not sure what to say or how to broach the subject, as he curiously blinked down at her in the doorway to his private barrack in the medbay half an hour later. Luckily, with Finn, conversation starters on her part were not usually necessary. 

"Should we watch a holovid?" he asked, as if it were perfectly natural for her to be seeking his company at 3am in the morning.

Rey slowly grinned at him. "Only if I can choose this one...the last one was _awful_." 

Finn's laughter warms her insides, loosens that knot a little more, just as she'd suspected he would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think of the non-chronological shift in POV as that will decide how I post the rest of this fic (either intertwined or as companion stories). Thank you so much for reading and reviewing :)


	3. Surface (Present)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Finn's laughter warms her insides, loosens that knot a little more, just as she'd suspected he would._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the direct continuation of the scene in CH 1, still in Finn POV.

"But, you're _you_. So how can you not be amazing?"

Considering what they had just done, Finn doesn't expect to feel so affected by the shy, radiant smile which accompanies the heavy flush of Rey's skin, the way her pupils have completely blown out the mossy green depths of her eyes.

The sheer complexity of emotion eclipsing her features brings an unexpected wave of...something, that renders him speechless.

They were sharing a barrack within a week of her return from Ahch-to, Finn distantly recalls, as he begins to parse out what the look on her face means. Others around the base had plenty to say about it at the time, but it never bothered him. Standard base scuttlebutt, really, one of the few things not dissimilar from his life in the Order. 

Their reasons for bunking together had been mostly practical. His duty schedule was nothing like hers and free time during the day was rare for everyone, especially her - why not build in the time to catch up on their individual experiences at the end of every night, in their barrack? 

Then, there was sleep. 

It was just easier to sleep when they were in the same space. 

Rey could smooth a cooling salve on his then-not-completely healed back and within minutes, the burning would dull and sedatives weren't needed. He could knead the stubborn knots from her neck and shoulders after particularly rough trainings with Luke in a way that left her pliant and literally purring (Finn had long given up on getting her to admit the second part was _not_ an exaggeration, because he hadn't wanted her to stop doing it). 

When that wasn't enough, it was still alright. Her little snores across the room, his own restless tossing and turning, were more than alright to each other, Finn knows.

Their unconscious sounds couldn't stop the darker wanderings of subconscious minds, but when necessary, those sounds had instantly served as proof that the worst nightmares, the Starkiller ones, weren't real. 

And if some nights ended with her shuddering in his arms after his deft fingers worked between the soft fabric of her underwear and infinitely softer skin, or his face buried in her neck as she relentlessly stroked him through a blinding release...well.

They had agreed those were last ditch efforts in case nothing else sufficed, and only to rest fully enough afterward so the following day wouldn't be spent in a fog of exhaustion. 

Their arrangement worked. Or at least it had, until the incident. An incident which, to Finn, somehow didn't seem to be a surprise to Poe, Jessika Pava, BB-8, Knula, Snap, General Organa, Luke, or the dozen or so others who had witnessed the entire unfortunate thing. The aftermath was how the deal to salvage their friendship came about. 

But it wasn't until this moment - still wondering at her expression, and doing his best to face the loss of this deeper intimacy they had barely skimmed the surface of - that Finn begins to see their definition of friendship for what it might truly be.

Something about that possibility makes him intensely sad. 

"...Finn?" 

His full attention drifts back to the girl underneath and gripping him so fiercely inside of her. "Yeah?"

The tension in his own face dissolves at her newly-guarded glance up at him. 

"What are you thinking?"

"You really want to know?" he asks, and she silently nods. 

"I was thinking about how you kicked those thieves' asses on Jakku...now _that_ was impressive." 

The confused frown, then burst of laughter from her is exactly what he'd hoped for. 

"Finn! You were not!"

"But, you can't tell me it's not true," he insists, idly running his thumb over the dimple forming in her cheek. "I didn't understand much about how normal people lived, back then...still knew there was nothing normal about you." 

Something about the returning softness in Rey's eyes, how her heel is caressing up and down his calf encourages him to go on.

"You were so strong. Totally in control. If you were afraid, no one could have guessed it."

"You know me better, now. Like I know you," Rey says plainly, and she does. It no longer bothers them like it used to, recognizing some of those comfortably walled off parts of themselves so clearly reflected in the other. It's how they got so good at protecting each other, after all. 

Finn can't stop the rush of affection that compels him to nip her full bottom lip. 

"I also know you remember kicking my ass on that junkyard, which, wow. You never apologized for?" 

He doesn't argue when, with a coy roll of her eyes, Rey leverages her hold on him to gracefully reverse their position so that she is draped over his body, her pert nipples skimming his chest hairs as she props herself up on her forearms which bracket either side of his head. 

"Hold still," she orders, then brushes her lips over the approximate spot on his forehead she'd slammed her staff against, down the bridge of his nose, until they linger on his now smiling mouth. 

"Forgiven?" she asks, chuckling. 

In seconds, her laughter threads off into an awkward silence, maybe registering at the same time as he does the subtle but intriguing differences in the way their bodies are connected. Finn cradles her neck with one hand while the other settles awkwardly on her waist. With what he's thinking, there really is no safe place to rest his hands.

It's not hard to imagine Rey raising her body up slightly, eyes drifting close and lips parting in a broken sigh she slowly sinks back down his length. How he could easily mirror her invitation by flexing his hips down into the mattress, then up, pushing himself deeper inside Rey, trading off with her until they are in synchronous motion. 

Maybe the easiest thing _ever_ to imagine grasping her strong thighs as she starts to ride him in earnest, how he could -

"Finn," Rey exhales his name unsteadily, then curses under her breath, "you're projecting." 

But she's otherwise frozen against him. 

The same uneasiness which had left him seeking retreat minutes before has returned and flared into an entirely different need. Finn is already preparing himself for the temporary reprieve of an ice cold shower in resolving this new problem. "Sorry. Are...you good?" he gently prompts a few seconds later. He's almost certain they are on the same wavelength, that she'll catch his true meaning. 

If she can do this, he reminds himself, he is capable of sticking to their one-time deal, too. 

Rey blinks twice, then nods. "I think so, yes."

She shifts carefully above him while he does the same below. They both sigh and wince when he pulls out, fully erect again and glistening, from her body. Cold air washes over his skin at the discomfiting loss of her, as she splays onto her back beside him in the rumpled sheets. For a minute, Rey's hands rest on her bare stomach as she stares out the window. 

The long, usually neat braid she wears for sleep lays in a messy disarray on his pillow, brushing at his shoulder with every slight movement. Finn automatically reaches over to work his fingers through the knots before remembering what brought them to this point in the first place, stops himself short.

"I'll have my things back in the _Falcon_ by morning," Rey eventually whispers, then swings her feet to the concrete floor and quietly pads off towards the barrack's fresher.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst ahead. Let me know what you think. :)


	4. Loyalty Pt 1 (Past)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"I'll have my things back in the Falcon by morning," Rey eventually whispers, then swings her feet to the concrete floor and quietly pads off towards the barrack's fresher._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've labeled the chapters to make the timeline clearer.

**Two Weeks Ago**

Stepping out of the fresher, Rey froze in mid-yawn at first sight of the tiny crystal bantha bobbing up and down in mid air. She stared in shock at the quiet spectacle, before catching out of the corner of her eye how its movement was perfectly in time to the rise and fall of the blanket covering Finn's slumbering form. 

"My sleepwalker," she whispered to herself with a bittersweet smile, thinking of the evidently inaccurate belief he still held about himself. He told her that in the days after waking from his coma, he'd often rise in the morning to see items overturned, or even shattered beyond repair, with no recollection of how it had occurred. Explained how he hadn't wanted to ruin anyone else's sleep if he couldn't get the issue under control or worse yet, accidentally hurt someone while in such a state. The latter concern was what led to him requesting to remain in a private medbay barrack.

After the vague hints she had picked up on over the past couple months - an aim unerringly precise, no matter the weapon or distance of the target, rumors of the uncanny sense for extricating his assigned Recon squad out of increasingly dangerous missions the General sent them into - Rey can hardly believe it's the souvenir she'd brought back from a trip to the Outer Rim with Luke that finally pieced it together for her. 

"Oh! Almost forgot," she had interrupted herself earlier that evening, as they'd made their way from the mess hall to their room. She'd then reached for the carved figurine at the bottom of her canvas bag and handed it to an uncharacteristically subdued Finn. 

"Picked this little guy up at a market selling them in different colors. The green was nicest, I think. I suppose it's not very practical for a soldier," she amended only half in jest when he still didn't say anything, simply rolled the finely detailed figurine between his thumb and forefinger as they continued to walk down the corridor. "But perhaps he'll remind you of home." 

For her part, Rey had prepared herself for a restless night of worry. 

It wasn't until they were both inside the barrack, with Rey lying propped up on an elbow as she ran remote diagnostics from her data pad on a faulty X-Wing, when she felt Finn's warmth at her back and realized that maybe the night wouldn't be so bad, after all. "Thank you for my second favorite souvenir," she'd heard him say, before securely wrapping an arm around her middle. 

"Your _second_ favorite? And what's the first?" she prodded, craning her neck to look at him.

Her curiosity had redoubled at the amusement in his expression, as if she were the punchline to a joke not yet told. She laid her head back on the pillow, settling comfortably into his embrace. For a few moments, she had simply focused on the quiet sound of their breathing, the incredible feel of his large hand slipping under her sleep shirt and resting low and warm on her belly. 

And with a tenderness that caught her off guard, he'd whispered her name, before sucking gently on a spot between her neck and shoulder that had made her go lightheaded. 

_Yes_ , she had immediately thought, eyes drifting closed as his movements took on more purpose, became more deliberate, as she led his other hand between her legs. _More_. 

Rational or not, things always felt a bit...off, when one of them was about to leave for an off planet trip. Almost as if the lightyears of space soon to separate them had somehow managed to crystallize within and expand the terrifying possibility that this time, the distance wouldn't be temporary. That maybe their next goodbye would mean being gone for good. 

Clearly, Finn's upcoming departure would be no exception, Rey surmised as he almost leisurely teased her, circling and caressing her clit, before finally sliding two fingers deep.

"Finn!"

One thing - or at least, that _sort_ of thing - always helped. 

_But why does this only happen when we're scared, or delirious from some nightmare, or some awful combination of both?_

Rey had held some iteration of this question in her mind the handful of times they had gone this far, but - as usual - the end result of his hands on her, the irresistible pull to draw the same visceral, tranquilizing pleasure from his body, overran her intention to voice it.

After they had cleaned up, Rey was seconds from sleep as she laid half-draped over Finn's chest, then blurted out, "Is this weird? For us to keep doing, I mean."

She momentarily wished to take back her words at the slightly panicked look which fell over his face. 

"Well, I...I can only speak for myself but...honestly, I think..." Finn had trailed, worrying at his bottom lip in a way that should not have been as distracting as it was. 

This just hadn't been something they talked about. In truth, the single-minded doggedness with which they had managed to avoid any hint of this topic for so long was almost stunning to Rey.

Her gaze had only flicked back up to Finn's when he gently threaded his fingers through hers, over his stomach. 

"Do you think _this_ is weird?" he asked.

"No." She hadn't always felt that way (still didn't feel that way about most people, really) but holding Finn's hands had grown to be as natural as breathing. "Of course not."

"What about this?" He had squeezed her hand briefly before releasing it, then wrapped her in his arms, settling one large hand low on her back and the other between her shoulder blades. Rey had taken a deep breath, found herself nuzzling further into the embrace and shook her head against his t-shirt collar. 

"No, still not weird." 

"Okay. This?" Rey's exhale had come on a fairly embarrassing sigh when Finn's warm lips made contact with the same spot on her neck that he wouldn't quit messing with, and her body seemed to involuntarily press closer to his.

"Oh...maybe. Not sure. No?" A sleepy smile had blossomed on Rey's face at Finn's low chuckle in her ear, clearly at her expense. 

"I do think it's weird that we've never kissed, though," she whispered.

This seemed to throw Finn, whose arms around her had gone slack in an instant. 

Rey took the opportunity to sit up a bit, and frame his face in her hands. "We don't have to but, could we just try it?" She had felt the blush deepening in her face at the question, thinking of the infinitely less innocent things they _had_ just done to each other, had been doing for quite some time. Something about that seemed terribly backwards, though she hardly had a frame of reference for what would have been normal in those circumstances. 

When he had given a small, but definitive nod, Rey leaned down until his lips were a hair's breadth from hers, closed her eyes, then gently pressed her lips to his. 

Her entire body had shivered at the new sensation, and the quiet groan Finn gave when she reluctantly pulled away. 

"Goodnight, Finn."

Now, hours later, Rey gingerly plucked the bantha from mid-air, placed it in Finn's jacket pocket, then slipped back into her own bed, and made a choice: 

At first light, Finn and his squad will already be gone. Nonetheless, she will meet Luke as usual in the woods and she'll ask him to tell her. She won't run, or react as though the truth of who or what is in that lone grave on Ahch-to is something that can leave her warped beyond recognition. She'll listen to whatever explanation he does (or does not) have and day by day, learn to live with that truth, convincing Luke that she was strong enough to bear the weight of the past.

Just as she intended to convince him to help Finn learn and wield a power that could keep him safe, in times she could not.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Rey had to wait longer than she anticipated for that opportunity. 

Instead of his robed form standing on the edge of the woods bordering the base from the West, it's General Organa's markedly smaller figure heading towards her in the dim early light, as Rey quickened her pace to confirm that it was indeed her. "Where's Luke?" Rey asked, slipping her quarterstaff onto her back. 

"Don't be alarmed. He went on a short scouting trip."

A fine sweat broke out over her bare upper arms, though it was a damp and unseasonably cold morning. She took a deep breath. "Oh. He never even told me he intended to go, that's all," Rey said, trying not to sound as affected by that omission as she felt. 

She followed the General as she gestured for Rey to walk alongside her, then accepted a steaming mug of caff as they strolled through the lush, vibrantly green foliage. "As a Jedi, you'll soon find yourself pulled in directions unexpectedly, sometimes at a moment's notice. Luke asked me to assist with your meditations, in the mean time." 

Rey smiled at her, which the other woman returned. "Thank you." 

"Before we begin, I'm sensing there was something you wanted to ask, maybe I can help?"

"Yes. It's Finn."

In minutes, Rey relayed what she had witnessed him unconsciously doing the night before. The General silently nodded along, seemingly not surprised as they made their way along the forest path, the break of sunlight beginning to dapple between the canopy of trees. If Rey didn't know any better, vague hints of pride were written across the older woman's usually taciturn face. "I'm guessing you didn't tell him what you saw?" General Organa asked. 

"For some reason, it didn't seem right coming from me."

"I would agree with that. It's essentially the same reason I told Dr. Kalonia not to say anything. Deep down, Finn knows the truth. It's up to him to believe it and fully embrace it, in his own way and time. We'll be here for him when he's ready to decide what he wants."

"Finn is always holding back, though," Rey couldn't stop herself from murmuring, "he drives me mad."

The General gave her a sidelong glance as they stopped. "Why do I get the impression we're no longer talking about the Force?"

"Rey," Organa followed a few seconds later at Rey's unreadable expression, "I know we're still becoming acquainted with each other. But, I can't stand idly by any longer. Not when I know all the ways this can go wrong." 

Rey took a cautious sip of her caf. "I don't understand your meaning." 

"Luke has questions of your loyalty. The same ones I sometimes have about Finn, to be frank." 

"Loyalty..." Rey echoed, an acute chill winding it's way through her chest. "I've woken at first light, every morning, since we returned to D'Qar. I've pushed my body until I could hardly stand, pushed my mind in ways I never imagined possible. And I let go of everything I was waiting for to work for something real." She swallowed past the tears stubbornly building in her throat. "I know I'm not worthy of any of this but-" 

"Stop. This will _never_ be a question of worth. Know that."

Leia laid a gentle hand on Rey's shoulder as they continued down the peaceful, widening path. "Loyalty is complex. Ask Luke what he means by it once he returns, maybe he can give you a fuller understanding of where his questions are coming from." 

Rey pressed on, ruminating out loud as they walked side by side. "But you said you have the same questions about Finn. He's out there right now, working to take down the people who stole him and brainwashed him. Despite everything he's gone through, he still chose to be here. How could you _ever_ question his loyalty to the Resistance?" 

At this, General Organa's eyes shifted from troubled to something far less transparent as she crossed her arms. "I'm assuming you're aware he orchestrated the infiltration of Starkiller base?"

"Well, yes...Chewbacca did tell me it was his idea."

The General gave her a wan smile. "It also demonstrated a questionable display of priorities that I'm still not sure he's aware of." 

"Perhaps that's a fair concern, General," Rey quietly said, trying her best to appear as if she had any clue what the other woman was referring to - _what exactly did Finn do?_ -, "but surely you're not holding one questionable choice against him." 

"I wouldn't have given him a squad if he didn't show enormous leadership potential."

"Alright, then. If Luke has doubts about me, I'm willing to prove them wrong. But, with all due respect, you're already wrong about Finn. I know him, he's-"

_He's mine._

Rey blushed at the strangely possessive turn of phrase that nearly escaped her lips, then corrected herself. "He's my best friend." 

"Finn is exceptional. Moreso than he may be able to recognize at present, given his background," the General allowed. Rey couldn't disagree with that in the least, felt her defenses lower a bit. 

"He's also young and impulsive, and exceedingly in doubt of his place in the world. Does any of this sound familiar?" 

The sudden remembrance of being paralyzed in mind and body, the terror of mental invasion slips through Rey like a renewed violation. Considerable time had passed since her interrogation, but Rey wondered if she would ever forget that head to toe feeling of burning shame and disgust. "Finn is nothing like your son."

Something about the way the General's eyes swept downward had Rey instantly regretting her words, formed a vivid picture in her mind of the absent Jedi whose admonishment would've no doubt unleashed in Rey's direction if he'd been here to do so. When she met the older woman's eyes again, Rey felt the pain circling between them as if it was a physical presence. She hesitated for the barest second before reaching for the hands that had once cradled the monster named Kylo Ren.

"I shouldn't have said it like that. I'm sorry."

"For the record," the General began, sending her a wistful smirk, "that wasn't the comparison I was making. I was talking about you."

General Organa had led her to Luke's favorite meditation area in this part of the forests. It was quiet, with a beautiful view of the rolling hills set against the rising sun. "Understand this, Rey. If I make decisions about any of my subordinates - Finn included - trust that I'm always doing my best to balance their individual needs to that of our cause. As he sees fit, my brother will do the same with you. Can you accept that?" 

"I think so." 

"Good. Let's begin."

__________________________________________________________________________________

As she had been assured, Luke returned to the base after a week's absence. 

He was now seated two tables over from her in the bustling mess hall, in what appeared to be quiet conference with the General and three of her closest advisors. Rey knew everything - knew exactly what they were discussing and why, finally had the answers she'd fled from since finding him on that solitary cliffside five months ago. 

She also knew that the sorrow, grief and confusion just barely contained since absorbing those truths were an inch from transforming into a simmering rage which threatened to incinerate her, particularly when she thought too long on the condition Luke had placed on his helping Finn. 

She felt his deep brown eyes running over every part of her face, understood the unspoken question in the tilt of his brow as he sat across the table from her. He and the rest of his squad had only just arrived back that afternoon, making their two week mission the longest they had been separated since Ahch-to. She wanted to talk to him alone, touch him, but now wasn't the time.

Instead, she forced herself to chew and swallow small bites of the good-smelling food that tasted like sawdust, and tuned herself back into the conversation flowing around them. 

"You guys wouldn't have believed their last fight!" One of the Nabooan engineers named Knula exclaimed, all hopped up on adrenaline. He directed this at Rey and the four others at the table not present during the killing of a rogue First Order captain, who had apparently hunted Finn and his squad through several star systems. "She wouldn't stop coming at him, no matter what. Grenades, double barreled blasters, stun batons, the psycho had an arsenal. Had to be Finn's closest call yet."

The blood swiftly drained from Rey's face. "What?"

"You know, buddy," Poe picked up, clapping a hand down on Knula's uniformed shoulder. "Everything's good. No need for the details." 

"The plan was to capture Phasma alive," Knula continued, impervious to the growing tension radiating from nearly every person at the table solely in his direction. "Finn managed to get her on the ship, but then her wrist armor cut through the binds and she almost slit his -" 

"Enough. I'm fine," Finn emphasized. He might have been looking at her, but Rey couldn't tell past the tears beginning to blur her vision. "We made it back safe. That's what's important." 

"Agreed!" Jessika lifted her steaming mug, and clanked it around with the others'. "So...I was wondering if you guys would be up for-"

"She almost did _what_ to you?" Rey choked out, hardly above a whisper. 

Any further attempt to derail her inquiries went silent at their table, in sharp contrast to the low murmur rising in the rest of the hall. Rey didn't care. Her fork clattered to her tray as she rose to her feet, then stepped around the table until she was peering down at Finn. 

Despite the tightening of his jaw, the uncertainty in his gaze as it held hers, he leaned into her fingers grazing over his cheek until stopping short of the angry red line marring the smooth, dark skin of his throat. 

"On whose order? Kylo Ren's? Who's coming after you next?"

Finn stood to full height, lifted her trembling hand from him only to interlock their fingers. "Not here, okay? Let's go for a walk, or wherever you want."

Luke's unmistakable voice destroyed any remnant of privacy the conversation might have had left. "She's not going anywhere except with me, to settle her mind." 

Rey felt stifled, suffocated as if the oxygen was steadily being drained from the room as the Jedi continued to approach them. The last thing she wanted to do was let go of Finn's hand, but she also couldn't deny that more than a fair amount of her unbalance stemmed from the way he constantly had her on edge and questioning her own instincts, for reasons becoming too numerous to sort out. 

"I'll make this simple. I'm not going anywhere, with any of you."

Rey sneered at Luke. "Especially not you, father."

No one stopped her when she stalked out of the mess hall, and Force-slammed the doors shut behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting close to the end. Good or bad, I would love to hear your thoughts and speculations if you've read this far - comments are extremely motivating :)


	5. Loyalty Pt 2 (Past)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The last thing she wanted to do was let go of Finn's hand, but she also couldn't deny that more than a fair amount of her unbalance stemmed from the way he constantly had her on edge and questioning her own instincts, for reasons becoming too numerous to sort out._
> 
> _"I'll make this simple. I'm not going anywhere, with any of you."_
> 
> _Rey sneered at Luke. "Especially not you, father."_
> 
> _No one stopped her when she stalked out of the mess hall, and Force-slammed the doors shut behind her._

**Three Days Ago**

Luke's serene meditation site was within an hour's walk of the base, but it seemed that spot had gone sour for Rey. 

She'd arrived there not long after leaving the mess hall, following two brief detours. First to the _Falcon_ to make a few key engine adjustments, then on to their - _Finn's_ \- barrack, where she piled her rucksack down with the essentials she needed, a handful of nutrient packs, as well as one small piece of home she couldn't bear to leave behind. 

Once settled in the dewy grass beneath her folded legs, Rey had prepared to spend the entirety of her final few days on D'Qar in isolation, excising as much of the budding hatred she felt towards Luke as possible.

 _No matter what,_ she told herself, _I won't be another student who betrays him._

Next would come the issue of Finn.

But instead of the somewhat melancholic, yet radiant peace she had begun to identify with this place, Rey found herself filled with dread as she sat overlooking the steep green hills broken by a setting sun. 

Perhaps reminded her a bit too closely of the wanderings of her mind when she'd lay on the roof of the AT-AT years ago, the desert air dry and cool on her skin as she stared up at the Jakku night sky.

Rey hadn't allowed herself to mindlessly stargaze often when she was younger. She'd learned that too much free time to think, with nothing in her hands to scrub clean or hollow out or break apart or carefully piece together, would only lead to emotions which never left her anywhere good. 

At 9 years old, not long after she claimed the downed AT-AT as her makeshift home, Rey discovered the hard way how too much contentment could play tricks on the mind. On the roof one night, her daydreaming (nightdreaming?) filled with scenarios of how proud they'd be to find her surviving and taking good care of herself had lulled her into a deep, unbroken slumber. She'd overslept by several hours and awoken in agony, blistering red on every exposed part of her body, in the mid-afternoon sun. 

At 13, she had been searching for patterns in the constellations when it occurred to Rey that she might easily miss their return if she only anticipated it happening in the daylight. The latent fear over that possibility kept her awake for the next three nights, holding constant watch on the starlit horizon while still maintaining her daily scavenging. When she blacked out on the fourth day with no rest while waiting in line to trade for portions, Plutt had claimed her entire haul for the pint of water he'd splashed on her face to revive her.

In recent years, when the time began to stretch impossibly long after waking up each morning, or she felt herself growing strangely indifferent to the prospect of waking at all, Rey would allow herself to indulge in the small luxury of hope on her roof. It was only in this place she would let herself think, _just one._

Of the billions of winking dots in the distance, there had only needed to be one that slowly grew in size and in brilliance. There only needed to be one that descended from the upper expanse of space until the distinct shape of a passenger ship distinguished itself from the motionless stars overhead. Just one that would hover then settle somewhere in the vicinity of Niima outpost, not leaving until they'd successfully tracked her down.

This had only needed to happen once for Rey to forgive every hour, minute, second, of being no one. 

Rey pulled herself from the memories, impatiently swiping away the tears on her face. She stood to turn her back on the serene sight of D'Qar's hills and continued walking until she was several miles deep in the western woods. 

The thump of her quarterstaff on the ground gave her the perfect point of focus as she hiked on a slightly downward slope.

Her eyes gradually drifted closed as she guided her steps through the dense forest using the Force, the smells and sounds of life surrounding her from every angle muting then falling away completely as she turned further inward. 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

 

Hours later, Rey's meditation broke when her body suddenly shivered. 

Several yards from where she sat cross legged on a worn blanket, the rhythmic undulations of the lake spread before her lapped gently against slippery, pebbled banks. She waited several minutes for a landing, but for as far as she could see, there was no hovercraft or other mode of transport approaching the black waters. 

Her glance slid to the left, where the glow of her lantern burned bright enough for her to just barely discern a rough outline of the trees pressing into the open grass. The gnarled branches swayed lightly and shifted in time with the wind. 

_Closer._

There was the usual scurry of small nocturnal creatures through the forest floor, the faint chill of the breeze pulling from the lake. And something more, Rey noted as she rose to walk past the fallen tree she'd laid her staff beside upon arriving earlier in the night. A presence not of the woods, a heart beat too strong and too familiar to be a natural element of this place, was now just a few yards away. 

"I know you're there," Rey spoke evenly towards the treeline, "please go." 

The look on Finn's face when he emerged from the darkness was one she couldn't quite identify. 

"Don't ask me to do that."

"Because they ordered you to bring me back?" 

She's not unaware of the loose, but sure hold he's got on the blaster pointed towards the ground as he took measured steps towards her, as if she were liable to run. The itch in her heels told her it wouldn't have been an unreasonable concern. 

"Don't worry, you can tell them I'll return in three days."

_Or not._

"Three days? Look, Rey, I don't know what's going on with you and your...Mr. Skywalker. You don't have to tell me, but-"

"There's nothing to tell. I'm still the same person I was before." 

"You are, that's why you're insane if you think I'm leaving you out here alone!" 

Rey felt her resolve dissipate like smoke. When he said things like that - not even aware he was unearthing and protecting her every primal hurt from further pain - she couldn't breathe. She stepped further into his immediate space by the fallen tree. 

"Finn-"

"There's another clearing about a half mile from here. I'll camp there, wait until you're ready to go back. Just...please don't ask me to leave you alone out here," Finn repeated, letting his blaster drop to the ground at their feet. Rey stared at it for a moment then flicked her gaze back up to his, searching for any hint of deception in his eyes, and found none. 

He didn't object when she slid her hand into his and led him over to her blanket. They sat side by side, both staring at the lake whose shimmering surface reflected the moonlight and sparkled like glass. 

"I felt the General tracking me through the Force earlier. Did she send you?"

"Not really," Finn answered slowly, "more like the opposite."

Rey sent a sidelong glare at his profile. "What exactly did she say?" 

"Well...there was some cursing and harshly worded statements from her end, but I'm almost certain the basic premise was if I set foot off the base, I shouldn't bother coming ba-"

"Finn!" she barked at him, shoving into his chest with such power he was tackled fully onto his back. "Kriffing hell, this isn't a joke! You've got to go back before you ruin everything for yourself. You realize she's got doubts of your loyalty?"

Finn wrapped his hands around her fists where she'd balled them in the lapels of his jacket, and silently brushed his thumbs across her knuckles as she continued to rant. His non-reaction was _infuriating._

Rey was stopped short of throwing him over her shoulder and dragging him back to the base herself, when she noticed the oddly solemn look in his dark eyes. She hated him being in danger. More than anything, danger she could not control. But not knowing what he was thinking when he would get so unnaturally quiet, what kinds of thoughts would make him look like that, doesn't feel much better to her. 

"Finn..."

"Here's the thing. General Organa knew how it was with me from the beginning. I don't leave people behind," he finally spoke up, tugging her down so that her head was tucked underneath his chin. 

"Definitely not if it's you."

_Loyalty, indeed._

__Several minutes later, a curiosity caught hold and threw Rey from her current focus._ _

__"We're no where near base. You sure neither of them told you how to find me?" she prompted, lifting her lips from the skin of his throat. To Finn's apparent and considerable distress, she'd also withdrew her fingers from playing with the zipper of his trousers._ _

__He sighed, gathering her in closer with one arm as he stared up at the sky. "I didn't need to ask. I just had a feeling, okay?"_ _

__"Interesting. What sort of feeling?"_ _

__"Rey..." Between the moonlight and her lantern, it's not too dark for her to make out the softening of Finn's features, as he turned to bump his forehead against hers with a wink. "I can't explain it, and you wouldn't believe it."_ _

__Rey hid her smile in the press of her lips against his. This time, he didn't hesitate to return the soft pressure, and the comfort in it sends her twining a leg around his and curling further into him._ _

__"First thing in the morning, you go," she murmured._ _

______________________________________________________________________________________________________ _

__

__Rey blinked several times, nearly blinded by the sunlight warming and soaking through the leather jacket thrown over her back. She swept her fingers across the blanket and startled for a second when she encountered nothing._ _

__Her lips formed to call his name, before she drowsily sat up to see Finn shedding his clothes down by the edge of the lake - gray short-sleeved shirt, pants, socks, everything except for his black standard issue boxers. Cheeks burning, she discreetly turned her head and concentrated on pulling together a modest meal._ _

__She had lost count of the times she'd applied healing balms to his back before they went to sleep in the barracks, absently admiring his form and how it felt under her touch as they talked about their days. Though not nearly as often, she took care of him in other ways they both seemed to like even more. So she's not sure what's so different about seeing him expose so much of his bare skin now, what's changed._ _

_I'm leaving him the day after tomorrow. That's what._

__"What are you doing?" she called out to Finn after taking a long sip of water from her canteen._ _

__He looked over his shoulder at her with a wide grin._ _

__"You finally awake? Eat first, then I'll show you."_ _

__Rey's eyes narrowed as she folded her arms around her knees. "Shouldn't you be heading towards the base?"_ _

__Just like she expected, he completely ignored the question as he waded into the lake. She saw him visibly shiver once his lower half was submerged, then dive in and steadily swim further and further away from the shallows._ _

__Despite her outward irritation, Rey quickly finished the last of the dried fruit nutrient pack so she could strip off her own outer clothing and join him in the exquisitely blue, sparkling waters._ _

__Rey stood from her blanket, shimmied out of her pants, then carefully tugged out the binds which held her hair in place, hoping to rinse the sweat from her locks. Looking out at Finn's distant form for a moment, then down at her fingers which were curling at the hem of her thin tunic, she took a deep breath and made a choice._ _

The expression on his face once he circled back to meet her was well worth the nervousness chewing at her gut. 

_There's another look he's never given me, before._

__"You okay?" she asked, wading even closer so that the water just barely lapped at the peaks of her rosy nipples._ _

__Finn's widened eyes jumped from her chest, to her face, drifted back down for another couple seconds before settling on something far beyond the lake's grassy shoreline. "W-what happened to your shirt?"_ _

__"What happened to yours?" Rey huffed, sending a rough splash towards him. "Not like I brought a proper bathing suit, either."_ _

__The logic of it seemed to re-orient him, and his frown slowly relaxed into an attempt at a casual nod._ _

__"Oh. Never mind, then. Can you swim?"_ _

__"No."_ _

__Rey struggled to hold back a sigh of relief as Finn pulled her flush against him, positive that the tremor under his firm muscles or the goosebumps rippling over his wet skin weren't just from the temperature of the waters. "I've got you," he whispered, lips brushing at her collarbone._ _

__She wound her arms and legs snugly around his body as he started walking them towards the deeper center of the lake, savoring the tingling warmth spreading down from every part of her in contact with some part of him.__

 _ _She listened intently when he explained how the only part of physical rehabilitation he'd looked forward to after his coma was water therapy, and the feeling of weightless freedom when he was able to float on his back in the base's therapy pool for as long as he wanted.__

__"Is that it? You want to help me feel that way?" Rey quietly asked._ _

__"I know it's probably dumb, especially after all the amazing things you've been learning lately but-"_ _

__Rey pressed her index finger to his mouth. Her lips quirked up as she stared down at him, trying not to cry. "It's not dumb at all. Sometimes, it's all I want."_ _

__"Okay. Are you ready?"_ _

__Finn raised an eyebrow when she shook her head. She lowered her feet to the sandy lake bottom whose slope was clearly not too steep yet, as the water level was still only reaching the top of her breasts. Settling her arms more loosely around his shoulders, she hummed at the sharp inhale he gave when she deliberately pressed her thigh further into the part of him she wanted growing harder._ _

__"After." Rey maneuvered her right hand far down between their bodies, lingered a bit longer than necessary on his abdomen, and stopped at the waistband of his boxers._ _

__"But first...can I?"_ _

__Rey wasn't sure how the total role reversal happened within no more than a few seconds, but she figured it had something to do with Finn dragging a curious thumb over her nipple in silent response to her question. It also could have been the intensity of her reaction when he knelt slightly enough to suck and knead at both of her breasts. "Finn!"_ _

__He left tiny pecks on her sensitive peaks before lifting his head and standing fully again. Rey felt as though there were no reprieve, as his other hand not currently resting on her hip, began a very promising ascent up her inner thigh to shift her clinging underwear to the side. "Rey, I-"_ _

__She efficiently silenced him with a kiss. She didn't want to talk, now. Everything they were doing felt perfect to her - the fact that she was even creating a memory like this with Finn was so unexpected, but the opposite of unwelcome - whatever he was asking for, he had her permission._ _

__Rey gasped into his mouth once he began slipping his fingers directly through her slick, sensitive folds. She rocked herself into his touch, helping build the heat and pressure she wanted. Soon, their tongues were sliding together in a way that made her grip his shoulders tighter as he continued rubbing at her swelling clit. That impossible warmth she was feeling all over began to coil and concentrate in her center._ _

__Rey hitched one of her legs on his hip to could brace herself better, picking up where she left off by languidly stroking Finn's length from base to tip. The pump of his fingers inside of her stuttered but didn't stop, prompting her to open her eyes so she could watch the pleasure playing out on his face in a way she had never done before. Indulging in that just enough so that he wouldn't open his own eyes to see her staring at him._ _

__Between the water obscuring nearly everything they were doing to each other, the wonderfully rough way Finn was saying her name now, and the tell tale signs of his body communicating that he was going to come at least as hard as she was about to, Rey spasmed and clenched around Finn's still-moving fingers with a long, helpless moan._ _

__Long after their breathing had slowed and the lingering touches were only soothing in nature, Rey laid her cheek over Finn's heart. Wanting to ask just how much he did know about what Luke made her promise, or if he knew anything about that at all._ _

__"You wanted to show me something. I'm ready."_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next update will be coming sooner than this one. Thanks for supporting and reading :)


	6. Loyalty Pt 3 (Past)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Long after their breathing had slowed and the lingering touches were only soothing in nature, Rey laid her cheek over Finn's heart. Wanting to ask just how much he did know about what Luke made her promise, or if he knew anything about that at all._
> 
> _"You wanted to show me something. I'm ready."_

**Two Days Ago**

Rey was no longer floating on the surface of a cold lake in D'Qar, but plunged deep within an infinite, formless pool. 

Unbound by time or space, nothing seemed urgent here - not even breathing - so the panic that should have come from lack of air never did. There was nothing to push against or escape from, nothing to touch or hear save for the buzzing energy that surrounded and spun through the endlessly distinct sparks. Except for the true sight Luke taught her, allowing her to glimpse all of the living things which had ever and would ever exist, the absence of physical sensation was complete. She didn't fight against the current carrying her down to lower depths. 

Circling each in turn, Rey reveled in the light sparking off a particular set of delicate embers and enduring flames. 

Wanting to _stay_. 

Sensing without fully comprehending the stunning possibilities, yet somehow aware of the finality which tethered the oldest, most powerful sparks of all to this eternal place. One flame managed to envelop her entirely, tethered as it was, before pushing her up towards the surface she had broken through.

And with more closure than an empty grave on Ahch-to could offer, Rey accepted the death of her mother.

Because her mother was not lost, and not alone.

Rey searched without any success for a way to articulate all she'd just experienced to Finn, who had been peering down at her with a blend of worry and intrigue since she'd woken from her post-swim nap just moments ago. 

His hand on her clammy forehead felt cool and rough. "Are you sure you're okay?" he repeated. 

"You're burning up. Maybe we should go back now and Dr. Kalonia can examine you." 

"Dr. Kalonia can't help me. Besides, it wasn't a dream, I don't think." 

Rey sighed, sitting up so that she could fold her bare legs underneath her body, her tunic skimming the top of her sun-warmed thighs. Despite the tears steadily slipping down her face, Finn tentatively reflected the small, reassuring smile she sent his way. "I can hardly remember any of it, and what little I do was overwhelming. But also..."

Even as she was telling him, the recollection of everything she'd sensed there was collapsing in on itself, smoothing over until what she was left with accounted to little more than the hint of something beautiful. 

Her reaction was sudden, so Rey understood the little startle Finn gave when she threw her arms around him and simultaneously began laughing and sobbing into his neck, unable to speak anymore.

After a short moment's hesitation, she felt Finn returning her embrace.

________________________________________________________________________________________

 

They spent the rest of the afternoon and the early part of the evening foraging for edible flowers and roots in the woods. Initially motivated by supplementing their dwindling nutrient packs, Rey tried to convince herself it was okay that Finn hadn't left yet. How could she let him leave when he'd barely brought enough food for one meal, much less enough to fuel a miles-long hike back to the base? 

But after several hours of exploring the woods with him, doing little more than helping him waste the energy he should have been conserving for his return journey, Rey finally acknowledged that stalling wouldn't stop the inevitable. 

"Don't you care at all about disobeying the General?" she questioned as Finn took a drink from his canteen. It was dark and their peaceful surroundings were once again steeped in cool air and pale moonlight. Rather than brush off the question like she half expected him to, Finn smirked. 

"Hmm. When I first got here I tried telling you exactly what she ordered me to do, before you cut me off. Remember?" 

Rey opened her mouth to disagree; but after quickly recalling what happened, found she couldn't. She simply waited for him to continue. "The General told me that if I left, I shouldn't bother coming back until I figure out my priorities. I don't want to let her down, Rey, but I...I think I need some answers first."

"What answers?" she asked. 

"Well, for one, why were you planning to be out here for three days? Why three?"

She took a deep breath. "I planned to meditate until Luke and I left. We're leaving in just two days now. He told me one of our final stops will be to Dantooine, so I can retrieve the crystals to build my own lightsaber-"

"Rey, that's incredible!" She reluctantly dragged her eyes from the placid lake to Finn when she felt his fingers slide over her own on the blanket. He gave them a slight squeeze. "This is everything you've been working for. I knew you could-"

"-but we'll be gone at least a year."

Rey bit her lip, blinking fast. It broke her heart to see the play of his beautiful, broad smile disappearing from his face, the sparkle dimming in his dark eyes. "A whole year..." he trailed. 

"Yes," she muttered, "I think that part is my fault."

"Why would you say that?"

When she didn't respond to him, he pulled her even closer until she was straddling his lap, resting one hand on her waist while the other warmly cradled her neck. He said her name once, then twice, but she still couldn't bring herself to look at him. 

"Listen...a year is nothing, okay? There's comm calls, and maybe letters if we can find safe channels to send them through. I mean, the letters might not be that interesting compared to building a lightsaber and doing all kinds of Jedi stuff, but we can..."

Rey silently followed the movement of his lips without hearing another word. 

Something about Finn not allowing himself the right to his own sadness, if only to comfort her instead, was maddening. 

_Isn't that why you hid the order of execution on your life from me? _she nearly asked him. Just thinking about it was choking her up, as badly as the thought of his former Captain nearly slitting his throat.__

__Rey wondered if there would ever be a time she didn't have to think about some creature trying to hurt, capture or murder Finn...and if she hadn't made a huge mistake in not leaving D'Qar to finish what she'd started, as soon as she had the chance._ _

_Your anger is a cipher,_ Rey remembered her Master's words, how he'd said them after witnessing her reaction to his condition on training Finn. _Decipher your anger, and do what you must to control what it truly is._

__Rey closed her eyes, and latched on to the perplexing order. When she looked at Finn again, she brushed her knuckles down the line of his jaw, not unaware that he'd given up talking several seconds before._ _

__"Luke will help you, you know. He swore that wherever he and I go, he'll find ways to work with the General and Maz to test your ability, see how far it stretches."_ _

__Finn made a skeptical noise. "That sounds kind of painful."_ _

__"Even if it were - which it's not - you've survived so much worse. Like crash landing on Jakku-"_ _

__"Total junkyard."_ _

__"And a lightsaber to the spine-"_ _

__"That put me in a coma for two and a half weeks-"_ _

__"Not to mention nothing the First Order did to you could make you someone you're not."_ _

__When the retort never came, Rey framed his face in her hands. "Using the Force won't make you any better or worse, either. But it can guide and protect you. And help you protect so many others, like you already do. Won't you at least think about it?"_ _

__"Fine," he agreed, eyes on the tiny, triumphant grin she knew was growing on her own face, "if you tell me what Skywalker did to make you so upset."_ _

Rey's smile faltered as she shook her head. "He just made me promise something quite-" _impossible_ "-strange." Her hands slipped up so she could wind her arms around his shoulders, holding him properly. "Based on a vision he refuses to tell me about. It must have scared him...he was gone an entire week."

She felt Finn's exhale, causing loose tendrils of her hair to tickle against her jaw. "Whatever he asks you to do, Rey, you can handle it."

_If that were true, I wouldn't be here now._

"Finn," she re-directed, "aren't you any closer to figuring out your priorities? What do you _want_?"

It took several long moments for her to process the answer he'd accidentally projected to her.

"I don't know," Finn eventually mumbled, which - based on what she'd seen from his mind - was at least partially a lie.

For Rey, the projection hadn't been anything more than a fragment of an incomplete thought. But it had also been curiously explicit...and curiously in step with the confusing want she'd long ago dismissed as something far too _weird_ to ever admit out loud to anyone. 

__Much less, Finn._ _

__Rey's breath caught in her throat. Before she could reason herself out of it, she leaned in to press her forehead to his, relaying to him the barest projection of her own thoughts, then settled back on his lap to await his response._ _

__"...Seriously? You too?" Finn looked and sounded so genuinely shocked, all Rey could do was roll her eyes._ _

__"Why is that so surprising? If you haven't noticed, I've been wrapped around you like that kriffing rathtar, all day."_ _

_  
_"...To be fair, if that rathar was anything like you, I wouldn't have fought back."__  


__"Finn! Be serious."_ _

__"So, you're thinking one time will get all this out of our systems, for good?" he intoned, stroking the nape of her neck with his thumb._ _

__Rey grinned softly in confirmation, but it was Finn who started the kissing._ _

__It wasn't too much at first, no more than a series of lingering presses of their mouths that lasted no longer than a few seconds. His lips were soft, full and and sent little flutters of pleasure through her every time they broke a part, then joined together with hers._ _

__Rey dragged his bottom lip between her teeth as they parted the final time, and he shuddered. She thought of his reactions to her in the lake, what they had done in broad daylight and couldn't excuse away like they did in the darkness of their barracks. Rey liked it when his composure flickered so obviously, telling her more than he might ever voice out loud what her touch was capable of making him feel._ _

That's why she was so surprised when Finn began nipping his way up her neck, sucking on _that_ spot just briefly before admitting in her ear, "the first time we kissed, I didn't want to stop." Then he lowered her down on the blanket until she was flat on her back. 

__"Neither did I," she breathed, propping herself up on her elbows so she could watch Finn drag her underwear down her legs, past her ankles and drop them in the grass somewhere behind him, near his folded jacket. Her hips twitched off the blanket as he laid the palm of his hand flat on her mound, rubbing his thumb up and down her already soaking slit until her quiet sighs became full on moans._ _

__Rey harshly tugged his good shoulder down so that his body was wedged between her thighs, and slid her tongue into his mouth at the same time she popped the first of three buttons on his pants. It had taken no time for that distinct feeling to ignite and begin building in her belly, escalated by his hardness pressing insistently into her inner thigh._ _

__Finn was losing this battle too, she could tell, as she pushed his boxers and pants down just far enough so that the part of him she wanted inside of her was sprung free. She lifted one leg higher on his bare hip while blindly reaching down between them._ _

"Rey, _please_..." he gasped against her lips, eyes shut. Finn was so hard in her grasp, she imagined it had become both too painful and too pointless to pretend he didn't want this any less than she did. 

__She wrapped her hand firmly around him, squeezing lightly at the base before stroking up to swipe her thumb through the precum at his tip, loving the low, desperate sound of his voice when he moaned her name into her neck once she began purposefully sliding the head of his cock up and down her slick opening._ _

__"Finn," she whimpered against his cheek, her own eyes drifting shut at the rush of wetness growing with every pass of his head bumping over and around her sensitized bud, driving her crazy. "Finn, do it."_ _

__His hips pressed into her ever so slightly, and the tip of him began to part her wet folds as he groaned her name yet again. Rey would have been amused at their recent lack of vocabulary, if her mind wasn't going blank at the foreign sensation of him filling her so completely, the gravity of it far past whatever she'd anticipated._ _

__All kinds of different alarms - blending and echoing off each other until her head was pounding with a dull ringing - started going off at once. Finn asked her something it took a long minute for her comprehend, but yes...it was her shaking._ _

__He cradled her head in his hand, gently sliding his fingers into her hair near the base of her skull._ _

__"If it hurts or, this is too much, I...Rey, should we stop?" he quietly asked her._ _

_No_ , is what she thought, staring up at him as she traced her fingertips along the handsome, familiar contours of his face. Instead of her own latent panic, she focused on the heat of his skin pressed all along every plane of hers, how his weight and heat was grounding her, and the evidence of just how much he did _not_ want to stop, deliciously pulsing within her.

__Rey nuzzled against his cheek. "We'll stop, after we come."_ _

__The slight burn of him stretching her below was a fair trade for his head-to-toe shiver in response. She wondered for a second if he'd actually just peaked, before he puffed out an unsteady laugh against her smiling mouth. "Wow, close call. Really...close."_ _

__He looked so on edge, figuratively and quite literally, Rey decided not to tease him. "Let's not talk?"_ _

__For a while they simply focused on kissing, the intensity of their tongues plundering each other's mouths amplified by Finn slowly beginning to pull himself out, then push back inside of her, a bit more confident each time. Rey breathed his name out in a rush when he tugged her tunic down far enough so he could cup her breast in his hand, pulling and teasing at her nipple while she pulled his mouth back down on hers._ _

__By the time he's slid in and out of her a dozen times, something warm, heavy and amazingly good began to blunt the dull ache of him stretching her. "Oh, that's it..." Rey couldn't help gasping out as she began grinding her hips up into his with his every thrust._ _

__Soon, she felt herself drifting towards a more intense version of the same kind of white-hot pleasure when she came around Finn's fingers, with so much of her naked skin pressed against his, in the lake._ _

__The thought made her tug his other hand from it's grip on her upper thigh, inviting him between her legs. His fingers making contact with her clit drew simultaneous moans from so sudden, he couldn't seem to stop himself from the deeper thrusting she only encouraged by locking her ankles around him, pulling him in as close as she could._ _

__"Oh gods, I'm gonna-"_ _

__"Finn, stop, stop!"_ _

__If she hadn't been busy suppressing her body's almost blindingly strong protest at stopping what they were doing, Rey would've been impressed with how quickly Finn managed to cease all movement. She clutched at his sweat-dampened shoulders and told him to look towards the woods._ _

"Did you hear that? Do you _feel_ that?" she panted, heart racing. She looked back up at him to see the recognition dawning on Finn's face.

"Yeah, there's definitely someone out there. Come on."

__Within a minute they managed to disentangle, sort out their clothing, throw them back on in a fairly ordered manner, and have their weapons in hand as they silently jogged towards the edge of the forest line._ _

__"Chewie! That you?" Finn hesitantly called out into the inky, humid darkness._ _

__Rey lowered the hand holding her unlit saber to her side as the Wookiee gave an affirmative grunt._ _

__Right after being identified, he had turned the illumination of his lantern up to a degree where she could easily define his looming form nearly blending against the weathered bark of a tree._ _

__"Odd seeing you out here," Rey remarked blithely, swiping away beads of sweat from her brow, "everything alright?" Chewbacca glanced between herself and an equally disheveled Finn, then asked her the most pointed question she'd ever been posed in her life._ _

__"No! That's absurd!" Already flushed to the point of shivering, the moment was so surreal that Rey couldn't stop the nervous chatter bubbling up from her lips. "Finn and I are just - why would we ever! What?"_ _

__"Is this really happening?" she heard Finn mutter under his breath beside her, clearly picking up on the tone of what she'd just been asked._ _

__He only slightly fumbled while securing his blaster over one shoulder, then gently tugged her forward in a brisk walk towards the tall form in front of them as he added, "Chewie, your timing really couldn't be better. We were - that is, me and Rey, were just getting ready to head back to the base. So...lead the way?"_ _

__Rey had spent enough time with Chewbacca to pick up on the subtle shifts in his moods. Instead of setting off alongside the two of them, Rey immediately noticed how the Wookiee was eyeing her in an almost suspicious manner every time she looked back to see where he was. "Is something wrong?" she called out._ _

__The series of barks and grunts that followed, left her cold with shame. "Oh...that. I'm sorry. I'll explain that later."_ _

__"Wait." She felt Finn gently grab her elbow, effectively holding her in place._ _

__"Explain what?" he prompted._ _

She glanced from his furrowed brow to Chewie's little head tilt, as if imploring her to answer Finn's question. "He was asking me about something I did to the _Falcon_. After he saw it, he got permission from the General to escort us both back and she sent him here to do it. You don't have to worry about the rest." 

__Finn had no trouble keeping up with her fast paced trot through the thick foliage and, to her great frustration, had a similar lack of difficulty maintaining a full blown conversation with the most minimal of input from her end. "Rey. Could you think for a second how you reacted the last time I told you not to worry about me?"_ _

__Her teeth clenched as she stopped walking, then slid her staff onto her back._ _

"Chewbacca wants to know why I disabled the primary engine system on the _Falcon_ before I left."

Finn's eyes were laced with confusion. "Aren't you set to leave with Skywalker in two days?"

__"I hadn't decided if I was going with Luke when I did it."_ _

__"So...if you weren't leaving with him, you were planning to steal the ship and go off somewhere?"_ _

__When she didn't respond, he whispered, "To do what?"_ _

_The very thing Luke made me promise I would never do._

________________________________________________________________________________

__**One Day Ago** _ _

__

Since her arrival there with Luke in tow, the five and a half months on D'Qar had flown by with a balanced swiftness, reminding her of an impeccably calibrated machine. There wasn't enough of anything - soldiers, supplies, finances, _time_ \- for anything less.

__

__The day before their upcoming departure, however, was different._ _

__

There was no training with Luke. Rey had been too occupied most of the morning with replacing the components she'd strategically removed from the _Falcon's_ engines two days prior, then completing full inspections on the auxiliary drives. Then, there was Chewie working silently beside her, which also wasn't a usual aspect of his day. But his own assigned duties, she knew, would never be quite as important as tending to the vessel he'd spent decades co-piloting, and careening through the galaxy with Han Solo.

__

__Rey believed there were a number of things the Wookiee had the right to be angry with her about. Dismantling any part of this ship for any reason was deserving of his reprimand, at the very least. The lack of it made her that much more confused - and grateful - for his quiet camaraderie, the easy little shrug when she thanked him for looking out for she and Finn, for helping her set things right._ _

__

__When the three of them had arrived back to the base after a half night's trek through the woods, Finn had deferred his briefing and headed straight towards the barrack Rey inwardly knew she would never share with him again._ _

It was only the Wookiee who stood beside her when she admitted to tampering with the _Falcon_ to General Organa, and why.

"Why didn't you just take off with it the first chance you had?" Organa bluntly asked, eyes sharp. 

The answer she gave her was the truth, which - to Rey's borderline disbelief - the General seemed to accept without further discussion.

_If only Finn had been so easy._

__

All day her mind and body had buzzed faintly with the memory of what they had started and quite nearly finished doing. He hadn't said a word to her since she'd told him what she intended to use the _Falcon_ for, but there didn't seem to be any malice in his silence. If Luke believed her own anger was driven by feelings she'd yet to unravel, Rey wondered how the Jedi would perceive Finn's.

__

__Now in the recreation hall, surrounded by people wishing her luck on her journey to Dantooine (and offering her thrifty yet cleverly made little gifts that reminded her of what she'd left behind in her AT-AT), the only thing Rey could register was the hollow sound of Finn's laughter across the room. Wondering if she was the only one who could tell that his real smile looked nothing like the imitation currently plastered on his face? Every time her eyes had dared to meet his, the short study she received in return was guarded in a way that she feared would become permanent._ _

__

The worst part was that she couldn't blame him. If the situation had been reversed - if he'd expressed any intention of following through with the type of plan she had come treacherously close to executing without even explaining to her why...she would _never_ forgive him.

__

__Rey tried another tiny sip of her drink before grimacing. Approaching from her right, she heard a loud (and genuine) laugh._ _

__

__"Not to your taste?" Poe asked, swapping out her cloyingly-sweet cocktail for a tin mug of water._ _

__

__"I'm afraid not. Thanks."_ _

__

__"Kare's got plenty of talents, but she's always been heavy-handed with the rum."_ _

__

__Rey chatted idly with him as she drank down the cool liquid, while doing her best to ignore the fact that Finn had left the rec hall altogether some point. If there was ever a worse time for that tangled up knot in her stomach to return, it was this._ _

__

_Not as if I had any control over it forming in the first place._

__

__"I think I'm going to call it a night. Still have a few odds and ends to tie up. Would you mind telling Finn I'll get the rest of my things from his barrack in the morning?" Rey asked, stepping down from her stool._ _

__

__"Actually, hon," Poe interjected gently, "I think he already packed up all your stuff. Overheard him asking Jess if she could drop it off with you before you leave tomorrow."_ _

__

__Rey felt a numbing chill creep beneath her skin, and sink into her bones. Sending messages through other people was such a departure from where they'd been less than 24 hours ago._ _

__

__"You can let Jess know that won't be necessary. I'll take care of it now."_ _

__

__Rey said good night to the pilot, swept her farewell gifts up in her rucksack, and began making her way to the opposite end of the base. The dim corridors which led to the glass entrance of the med bay were fairly empty, as everyone was either sleeping or still celebrating in the rec hall._ _

__

__Once in front of his door, she couldn't decide whether to knock, or simply key the entrance code in as she blinked at the keypad. Rey settled on somewhere in between._ _

__

__"Finn, it's me. Just here to get my things."_ _

__

__It didn't take long for the heavy durasteel door to whir open. She murmured a quiet thanks in his direction and he gave her a polite, if not puzzled, nod. Clearly not expecting to see her._ _

__

__Finn had neatly gathered a majority of her things into a wide metal bin. Nonetheless, Rey surveyed the fresher (where he always complained about her using up his shampoo when hers ran out), checked underneath the spare bed (where he never complained about the inordinate number of nutrient packs she hoarded there) and the middle drawer of their shared desk for the remainder of her items, as Finn hovered near the doorway._ _

__

__She was re-arranging a set of delicate texts within the jumble of odds and ends in the bin, when she heard him speak up._ _

__

__"Rey."_ _

__

__She paused, then turned slightly to meet his gaze across the room. "I just want to know -"_ _

__

__"Don't. I didn't come here to argue with you-"_ _

__

__"Why did you steal one of my shirts?"_ _

__

__Rey blinked. "What?"_ _

__

__"I was issued twelve. But I've only got eleven, now that one's gone." He uncrossed his arms and stepped further into her space, until he was only a foot away from her. "No one else is ever in here when I'm not, except you. So it had to be you."_ _

__

Rey's mouth opened, then shut. She almost asked him why in _kriffing hell_ he was worried about a missing shirt, when there were no less than a hundred more important things they could be talking about instead. Like if there was any chance for things to go back to normal between them, whatever that meant, when they saw each other again. If he could continue accepting the things about her that might never change, as long as she kept trying her best to do the same for him. 

__

__Or if he still intended to write her letters._ _

____"I took it because it smells like you and reminds me of home."_ _

__

__Even as she'd said it, Finn's unreadable expression had lost a measure of tension, as she turned away from him to finish placing the last few objects in the bin. "A bit weird, right?" she added._ _

__

__Behind her, she heard him weakly chuckle. "Um, very, actually."_ _

__

__Rey nearly smirked because it was nothing if not true, but the sting of his words came as an unpleasant little shock nonetheless. Shifting the full container in her arms, Rey was halted in her tracks in the middle of the doorway when his fingertips grazed her wrist._ _

__

__"It's not weirder than missing someone who's right in front of you...definitely not weirder than having sex with your best friend."_ _

__

__When she gathered the courage to meet his eyes, Rey felt utterly thrown at the humorless look she found there._ _

__

_Oh no,_ she thought, realizing for the first time that the alarms which had gone off in her head the night before had not been about the threat of physical pain, but something far more dangerous. Something she didn't want to name or give definition to. 

__

__It still wasn't enough to stop Rey from whispering, "That time doesn't count since we got interrupted, though, does it?"_ _

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you've read this far, thank you. there's a lot going on here.
> 
> (including a shameless, purposeful technicality) did you catch it?
> 
> as always, i would love to hear your thoughts, questions or general comments :)


	7. Kin (Present)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _When she gathered the courage to meet Finn's eyes, Rey felt utterly thrown at the humorless look she found there._
> 
> _Oh no, she thought, realizing for the first time that the alarms which had gone off in her head the night before had not been about the threat of physical pain, but something far more dangerous. Something she didn't want to name or give definition to._
> 
> _It still wasn't enough to stop her from whispering, "That time doesn't count since we got interrupted, though, does it?"_

"I'll have my things back in the _Falcon_ by morning," Rey eventually whispers, then swings her feet to the concrete floor and quietly pads off towards the barrack's fresher. 

Once the door slides shut behind her, Finn hears the tranquil sound of water pelting against tempered glass. 

He slowly sits up on the bed, tugs his uniform pants on and soon finds himself pacing the length of the barrack. Trying (and failing) not to think about things he really should not be thinking, now that things were supposed to be getting back to normal between them.

On his third circuit around the room, Finn gathers Rey’s clothes up off the floor and hangs them on the towel rack attached to the fresher door. Despite the blissful grins she'd sometimes shoot him after stepping out of it at the end of a day, silently affirming that she would _never_ take for granted the comfort of a hot shower, she'd usually spend no more than a few minutes in there. 

So, Finn tells himself he can wait. That a trip to the communal shower won’t be necessary.

Waiting for any length of time would be no big deal, really, if not for the scent of her skin and sweat and sex lingering all over him. If he hadn't bothered to compare that to how quickly the heat of her body had disappeared from his sheets seconds after she’d left them. Almost as if she hadn’t been there at all. 

Truly, waiting would have been nothing if he hadn't noticed those things. 

Finn stops pacing, tilts his head slightly with a frown. There might've been something on the edge of his consciousness. He could've sworn he'd heard his name, too, but - more likely just an echo from the ventilation system, or something. 

Since he's already at the foot of the bed, stripping it down seems like a good idea. 

As he's tossing the tangled up linens down the laundry shoot, Finn still isn't sure what's motivating him more: the impulse to throw out evidence that they had ever wanted each other that way, or a need to spare himself from further reminder that they would never be that close again. But rather than any attempt to pace or strip away a thought like that (a brand new thought that managed to be just as unpleasant as the memory of Rey’s lifeless form being carried onto the _Finalizer_ , of her perfectly still face as she laid cold and limp in the snow), Finn doesn't try because it just won't work. 

He knows from experience that a few laps around the perimeter of the base might be enough to clear his head. 

It _had_ been enough, in the weeks before Rey came back to the base.

Somewhere between then and now, something stronger had crept up behind and overrun worries of the past, casting doubt upon the murkiness Finn had believed to be his future. 

Mostly, that something had felt like the purest form of peace. Never failing to push every lesser state of being aside, whenever her fingers were sliding alongside his. Other times it tipped too close to chaos, as though the strength of whatever it was he was feeling could irreversibly change him, if he wasn't careful to contain it.

“Don’t look there,” Rey had whispered to him one night, after shuffling over to his bed to wake him from a dream so ugly, he could do nothing but numbly stare up at the ceiling. She’d draped her whole body on top of his and gently turned his face towards hers. Her smell, touch, the warmth of her, bringing him back to reality. “Don't look there. I'm here.” 

Maybe that something was even greater than fear, if whatever they'd been getting up to in the past few months that led to what they did in the woods was any indication. 

Like a mantra, Rey's question replays in his head: _that time doesn't count since we got interrupted, though, does it?_

Finn slumps down into his desk chair. He tells himself it doesn't matter that his brain had briefly short-circuited at the absurd level of reaching in that question the second she posed it, only an hour ago. It doesn't matter how much he'd been aching from her absence, despite standing close enough to share her breath. 

And it definitely doesn't matter how incredibly beautiful she'd looked as she silently stared up at him, waiting for his answer.

Because Finn has finally admitted to himself that neither of them wanting that first time to count, was just an excuse to do it again. One more excuse, on a growing pile of progressively weaker excuses, to smother away the denial of what they'd become to each other.

So...no, he concludes, scrubbing dry palms over his face while he considers knocking on the fresher door, since the muffled sounds now coming from the other side of it are no longer tranquil. 

Whatever he is feeling is still not greater than his fear.

After all, if fear hadn't held him back minutes ago, wouldn't they be busy breaking their useless one-time deal yet again?

"Doesn't matter," Finn murmurs out loud to himself, rising from the chair to rummage through his now half-empty closet. He grabs a clean outfit, a spare towel and slips his boots back on as he mentally maps where the nearest communal showers are. 

Rey was leaving in the morning and it was impossible to change that. And even if he could...he wouldn’t.

He's sure of that. 

But doing nothing, with her muffled sobs piercing through him worse than any physical weapon, seems equally impossible.

 

On his way to the showers, Finn passes one of the base's two counseling offices. 

His first session with a counselor had taken place 24 hours after he woke up from his coma. It mainly consisted of a battery of psychological tests every new recruit had to pass, according to Poe. Overall, the experience hadn't been too bad. 

No one had voiced it back then, including the counselor who assessed him, but Finn suspected that the source and severity of his injuries had also worked to prove that his defection from the First Order had been nothing less than real. 

Finn's second (and final) session, a week prior to he and his squad departing on their most recent mission, had left him wanting little more to do with the base counselors.

The one called Major Ferob had mentioned two concepts Finn had never heard of, in reference to him and Rey. The second one had been more troubling than he'd like to admit, though he'd struggled to understand exactly why that was. It’s why he only asked General Organa about the first, later that afternoon on the sprawling armory grounds. 

"Next of kin," she had repeated after he'd run that phrase past her. The General had gone quiet for several minutes, eventually pausing the long-range weapons simulation she'd just engaged him. She clicked off her data pad and raised a single eyebrow.

"It means family. You know why the Major would suggest listing Rey as yours?"

"Not really. I tried explaining that it's not like that with us, but I don't think he understood." 

Laughing without any real joy, Finn had lowered his training blaster for a second, staring out at the frozen holograms shimmering in the foggy distance. "He also said it was dishonest for me not to tell Rey about the kill order. Said dishonesty makes for, well, he called it a "dysfunctional relationship". Except, what relationship? Like I told you, he wasn't listening."

"Huh."

Crossing her arms, Organa had then looked at him with something between a smirk and a frown.

"Well, _I'm_ listening. Why don't you say what's really bothering you." 

"What Major Ferob thinks me and Rey are to each other. It can't happen."

"Why not?"

Finn had flicked his gaze away from hers, which had just grown more curious at his hesitation. "It's just what it is. The First Order's not interested in capturing me. After what I did on Starkiller, they’re not gonna stop until I'm dead. I accepted that as soon as I went back there, but I know Rey. What if she can't? What if she-"

"You _accept_ that?" Leia growled, snapping on the word like a whip. "This fucking kid...do you trust me?"

Considering that he'd only known her for a fraction of his life, it surprised Finn how little he'd had to think about it. 

"Yeah. I do."

"Then trust when I say that the First Order - my son included - will never dictate your future again. Trust that I'll _personally_ kick your ass the next time I hear you talk about forfeiting your life. It's a life that has value beyond measure."

Organa's eyes had bore into his, dark and compassionate. 

"Perhaps no one feels that more deeply than Rey. But you can't do a thing to help her if you don't protect yourself first."

Out of respect for the General, who had helped him recover from wounds that ran far deeper than any lightsaber injury, Finn had tried to think of a better way to articulate his gratitude aside from a simple thank you. 

But the lump suddenly clogging up his throat had made it too difficult to say even that. 

Instead, he'd raised his training blaster and finished the simulation. 

After it was done, Leia had shared his tiny smirk. "Another perfect score. I'm told engineering will have that custom sim done for you within a week. For now, start this one over...and switch that blaster to your non-dominant hand this time?" 

As soon as the scalding water hits his face, Finn is jolted back to the present. 

The water sluicing down his body loosens his shoulders and mutes the restless tapping in the corner of his mind. He stands there for a few moments, simply letting the cloud of steam billowing up from the stall surround him as he breathes deep.

Now that he’s inching past the denial of it, Finn understands what he wants. It's pulling at him as soundly as the memory of Rey pulsing slick, warm and perfectly around his cock, as vivid as her husky sighs of _yes, fill me up, Finn, oh gods, I need you, Finn_ , in the seconds before he'd released deep inside of her. It's just as potent as the look on her face when he told her she was amazing, stunning him with the complexity of her unguarded admiration. 

Except Finn can also feel the pull of her rage as her fingertips had grazed his neck wound, the mark that must have been proof to her that capturing him alive was not on the First Order's agenda. He would never forget her bloodshot eyes as she told him to leave her alone in the middle of the night by the lake, how the worry had practically poured off her as she clung to him last night, refusing to tell him what Luke asked of her.

Somehow, none of that was worse than when he asked her what she planned to steal the Falcon for. 

_"To find Snoke, and propose a trade."_

It wasn't her refusal to speak any further about it that bothered him. Nor her refusal to at least tell him why. Deep down, he'd known whatever Rey could’ve offered in trade would have been to save his life.

What's actually bothering Finn was the absence of any feeling in her face, any emotion at all, as she told him. 

In that moment, he'd barely recognized her.

 

Finn finds him digging in a circular plot of dirt, backlit by fluorescent lights emanating from the base's hydroponic greenhouse. 

The grey-haired Jedi appears almost unreal in the unnatural light, as the younger man watches him methodically plant an assortment of delicate, tiny saplings, one by one.

"Finn. I was wondering when you'd arrive. Did you not hear me call you earlier?"

"Sorry," he mumbles, stuffing his hands in his trouser pockets. "It's the middle of the night. Thought it was a vent or something."

"Ah. I see." 

Luke offers him a handheld shovel. "Join me?"

But Finn remains standing as he glances down at the inscrutable older man. 

"Rey is hurting bad. You have any plans to fix that?" 

"Pain is an unavoidable part of life, but certainly not the whole." 

"She thinks it's her fault you two are leaving for a year."

"Her insight is growing. She has much to learn." 

“Maybe whatever it is you asked her to do is too much.”

“To let go of a ruinous drive to murder her cousin, even if he attempts to kill you again?” 

A cold, prickling sort of agitation settles over Finn from Luke's extended study of him.

“No,” the Jedi finally speaks up again. “Managing her attachment to you is the first step to deciphering her anger.”

The immediate thought warning Finn to swallow his next words isn’t enough to hold them back. “You’re right. Rey worries about me, a lot. And she does get mad sometimes. But that’s what happens when you can’t expect anything good, because no one was there to protect you from the bad. So if there’s something she can’t get past, maybe that’s because she never had a teacher to show her how. Is that her fault, too?”

In the Order, the barest hint of nonconformity in the company of a superior officer could lead to reconditioning. Reprogramming would follow if necessary. But a direct challenge in the manner Finn had just challenged Luke Skywalker was something there was no known protocol for, since it had never happened. 

Not until he defected, that is. 

The Jedi's laughter is the last thing Finn expects to hear. “Your empathy is a gift. And a curse."

His expression darkens in an instant as he offers Finn the gardening tool again, breaching no argument. 

“Join me. We have a great deal to discuss.”

Finn is the first to break their stare as he kneels in the soil beside him, and starts to dig.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one more to go. i may do a luke and finn one-shot separate from this fic. we'll see.
> 
> your support has been awesome - please don't forget to review! it will make the end of this (unbeta'd) story better :)


	8. Seeds (Epilogue)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Join me. We have a great deal to discuss.”_
> 
> _Finn is the first to break their stare as he kneels in the soil beside Luke, and starts to dig._

**Two Months Later**

Luke is silent in the co-pilot seat to her left, as the Falcon floats in orbit above Onderon. 

In light of what Rey’s learned from archives and the Jedi himself, the planet was teeming with ancient temples and walled-in settlements among enormous swaths of jungle. Much of the terrain remained free of structural development, if not totally uncharted. She half-remembered a story he’d told her a few days after their first meeting, outlining how his own father had joined with a small but powerful group of rebels in taking down a corrupt monarchy here. 

One of the few other things Luke had made her aware of in the early days of their acquaintance was the need for the Resistance to secure a new base - but Rey knew without having to ask that this planet was not a prospect. Not nearly remote or politically off the grid enough for the Resistance’s purposes. According to Luke, the General had communicated to him that they’d already temporarily re-located, anyway. 

She had requested a break from their travels to detour on Onderon, for another reason entirely.

“Rey.”

Her eyes shift from the looming planet and its quartet of moons to see Luke re-checking the shield controls. 

“It’s been an odd week,” he says. “You’ve also been pushing yourself quite hard. I can’t see any harm in waiting until morning before you set off, planet-side.”

Neither could Rey.

And yet the idea of bunking down in her tiny quarters, where the careful harness on her thoughts still had the tendency to slip towards something she’d been refusing to let herself examine too closely, makes her want to avoid sleep for just a little while more.

“No, I’ll be ready to land in just a bit.”

For several minutes, the cockpit lapses into another comfortable silence. Rey’s lips quirk up as she lets herself settle in the moment, wondering if she would ever grow tired of the freedom of the stars and the infinite possibilities they held. 

_Becoming a Jedi will help me protect them all._

“The view from here is quite peaceful, isn’t it?” she asks him.

“It certainly is,” Luke quietly agrees.

“Yet, you are not at peace. Your sadness has been palpable for days.”

Rey blinks, then flicks her eyes toward the man beside her.

The impulse to deny his presumed insight into her emotions had rushed through her almost as soon as he’d finished speaking. She wants to argue, _you’re wrong. It’s actually relief I’m feeling. I wouldn’t have told you what I suspected if you were just going to throw it back in my face._

Except she can’t form the words most of her does want to get out, as she takes in the absence of judgment in his expression. Worse still, she can’t say anything at all when inside of her exists that small space - the deeply irrational, purely instinctual one - that truly was inconsolable. 

Mourning the loss of one possibility that Rey would have loved with her entire being. 

Luke folds his hands over his robed abdomen. As he gives her one of those fully knowing looks, she realizes too late that her continued lack of response must be revealing in a manner even their connection through the Force, gaining strength it may be, still pales against. 

“I can’t claim to be unhappy this was a false alarm. As your Master, the very idea you could be so careless with your future is troubling. As your father, the idea becomes terrifying. Regardless…” 

He hesitates for a second, then adds, “We all would’ve done our best. And your child would have been beautiful.”

 _He sounds so certain of that_ , Rey muses. She nearly voices that thought, but something tells her he would likely refuse to say much else on the subject. 

“I believe that, too,” she murmurs instead.

Slowly, they share an uneasy smile, one that seems at home with the blunt direction of their conversation. 

“You have a right to every emotion you experience. You have a right to your attachments,” he went on, in a measured way that makes Rey wonder how many times he’s repeated those words over the years to students who’d come before her. “I don’t believe either must be at odds with the path of a Jedi. But surely you see the potential consequences in failing to properly manage them?” 

“I see now that fear for someone you care for isn’t enough to justify killing someone you hate. Plus, Snoke would’ve gone back on that deal eventually, I think. There’s no way he’d make the Order spare Finn forever.” 

“I tend to agree. However, I wasn’t referring to that consequence,” Luke prods her.

“...Oh.”

A faint blush colors Rey’s cheeks, as she begins adjusting the propulsion controls in preparation of taking them out of orbit.

“I know it was foolish for us to be so irresponsible. I knew it then, too, with all the precautions we weren’t taking. I just didn’t care,” she quietly admits. “I just thought, no matter what happens next...even if I lose him. Maybe I could still have the chance to keep a part of him with me, always.” 

She remembers the fragment of a thought Finn had accidentally projected at her that night in the woods, right after she’d asked him what his priorities were.

Her hands gradually go still on the controls.

“Deep down, I believe he wanted that from me, too. A family neither of us ever had.”

For nearly two months as she moved forward with her training, with that tiny spark of hope in her that her missing cycle wasn’t simply due to the stress of their constant traveling, Rey had managed to keep the full force of missing and wanting Finn at bay. But that hope had vanished a week ago when she woke to the blood stains on her sheets. 

Rey brushes away an errant tear, as she turns her full attention back to the panel before her.

“Sorry. I’m sure you didn’t want to hear a word of that.” 

“It doesn’t matter what I want. In any case, if hearing the truth makes me uncomfortable that’s my own burden to bear.” Luke’s voice is so soft, she nearly misses what he says next. 

“I’m grateful you told me, Rey.”

“I’m grateful you listened, father.”

Another tentative smile passes between them, as she steers the Falcon in a smooth descent towards Onderon.

For a while now, something about this planet had been calling to her. It had started as a whisper in the seconds before falling asleep. Grown into a sensation like a caress, causing a warm flutter through her mind and body, but so fleeting in comparison to every tangible task occupying her focus throughout her days that it had been relatively easy to set aside. 

In the past week, that feeling had bloomed and taken shape until it was a constant presence at the forefront of her thoughts. Becoming a distraction that just reminded her of all the reasons she’d needed to complete her training like this, light years away from the person who’d become her biggest distraction of all. 

“There’s one more thing,” Rey speaks up again, once they’ve safely landed on the outskirts of a moderately-sized village ringed by the tallest mortar walls Rey had ever seen in her life. Beyond it, tangles of sharply hued florals and bowed, wide-leafed trees swept up towards the dense wilderness surrounding them from every side. 

“I’m almost positive it’s Finn who’s led me here. I’ve tried to tune it out, but the message gets stronger every day. Would you have agreed to us coming here if you knew that was the reason?” she asked, mentally gearing herself up for an objection.

But Luke’s eyes are gentle and bright, as he simply smiles. 

 

Rey couldn’t deny the extraordinary beauty of this place, but she finds it more difficult by the minute to appreciate it. She huffs out a small breath as she plucks at her soaked-through undershirt for the tenth time. No number of uphill hikes on D’Qar could have prepared her for this. On top of the relentless humidity pressing in on her, and the need to cut a path through the thick vines looping all around her, she feels her energy sapping more quickly than she’d anticipated. 

After another half hour of walking (and carefully thwacking away at a series of neon orange, five-legged creatures who kept hobbling over to sniff at her canvas bag) Rey decides to take a break on a flat stone jutting into the bank of a small, bubbling stream. 

She’s been racking her brain trying to think of why Finn could possibly be urging her to come not only to this part of the planet, but so far into this segment of the jungle. Luke had verified with one of the villagers before she took off that this stretch was free of the more dangerous creatures which tended to populate the other, less developed side of the planet. 

Nonetheless, this place was like being in the middle of nowhere. 

_Almost like he wants me to find something no one else is meant to see._

That’s when it comes to her. “His project!” 

Rey leans on her stomach over the jagged stone until she sees her own grinning reflection staring up at her from the water, dips her hands into its coolness and splashes her overheated face with a laugh. 

He didn’t come back to his barrack all night, Rey thinks, remembering the morning she’d left D’Qar.

She’d been loading up the _Falcon _at dawn with provisions when she saw them approaching the hangar bay, from the general vicinity of the base’s greenhouses. With a cordial nod in her direction, Luke had walked past her up the loading ramp and presumably towards the cockpit to begin the systems checks.__

Rey had only given Finn a cursory glance, but noticed right away the exhaustion in his usually perfect posture. “Playing in the dirt all night?” she’d inquired, gesturing at his soil-streaked boots and outfit. _After we were done playing with each other, that is,_ she’d silently added to herself, as their eyes met. 

“Sort of,” he’d answered, rubbing bits of grass from his shirt with an easy smile. “On a very basic level, maybe.” 

Her curiosity piqued, as he met her halfway on the middle of the ramp and the amusement on his face didn’t fade. “So what were you _really_ you up to out there? Was it Luke’s idea?” she’d asked, crossing her arms. 

“Mr. Skywalker did initiate the project, but he’s leaving it up to me to figure out all the details.”

“A project...what kind?”

“Top secret kind,” he’d told her with a wink.

“Top secret?” she repeated, with a conspiratorial grin she couldn’t quite hold onto. She’d found out a few times that certain secrets might be better left alone. “Sounds important.”

“Very,” Finn had agreed.

He’d scanned her face then, probably for a second too long, before offering his outstretched hand. 

“Wish me luck?” 

For a moment, Rey had considered bypassing his hand entirely to wrap her arms around him, holding on as tight as she could for as long she could. Letting all her senses fill up with him, grass stains and all, kissing him just one more time.

But there’d been something so freeing about the innocence of their actual moment, the simple joy of just looking at him, that made her want to savor and preserve the feeling as it was.

“You won’t need luck,” she’d told him, squeezing his hand with a glimmer of a smile he returned in full. 

“I know whatever it is you're scheming together will be a success.”

  


Rey spots the cluster of Jakku-native spinebarrel flowers a few yards west of the stream. 

She digs and digs with great care beside the green saplings, wisps of damp hair falling into her eyes, before tugging a small canvas sack from the packed dirt. With trembling fingers, she pulls a square of paper from the sack and unfolds it to find Finn’s neat scrawl filling up the page. 

_Rey,_

_If you’re reading this, that means three things:_

_1) I got the message about Onderon to you, and you understood it._

_2) This is definitely one way the Force can work._

_3) I managed not to kill a flower Luke told me could survive anywhere. Total success._

“Kriffing idiot,” Rey mutters, fighting back a smile. 

_“I’ve thought for a while what I wanted to write in my first letter. I’ll start with an apology._

_I’m sorry how you found out about the First Order wanting me dead. I thought I was protecting you by not saying anything, but that’s clearly not what happened. From now on, I’ll try something different. Like the truth._

_Six weeks after you left, intelligence received word that the base was being targeted again. We were ready. Took us less than a day to evacuate. I was sent with my squad to Onderon to pick up eight new recruits and one of our biggest funders, then escort them to our new base. No problems, until we were ambushed by two of Ren’s Knights who were passing through the main transport hub. Bad luck, but I made it out. They didn’t._

Rey closes her eyes and takes a deep breath of the humid air. 

“Good,” she exhales. 

_Growing up, I never thought of the future as something to look forward to. Every day was the same and would be the same until I died. If I let myself imagine being more than just a weapon, I wouldn’t have slipped through for as long as I did. So when I got the chance to run, I did. When I think of how much worse this war is going to get, even fighting on the right side of it, I still get tempted to run. That’s when I think about you the most._

_To me, there’s no one like you. I don’t really know what to say about it, except thinking of you makes me not just want to survive, but live. Take care of myself. Every day, I hope you’re doing the same (please, be doing the same)_

Her tears are forming dark spots on the paper before Rey even realizes she is crying. That knot inside her belly twists, reminding her that some hurts might never go away, but something stronger tells her to keep reading.

_The night before you guys left, Luke told me Snoke was in your head on Starkiller base. How you refused to listen because you didn’t want to become what Ren already is - a murderer._

_Luke helped me see what changed in both of us since that fight. We didn’t want to see how much, but we have to. Rey, it scares me how far you’d go to protect me, but I get it. I’d go back for you all over again. Even if that meant I wouldn’t survive this time._

_These are the things we’d do to protect each other. We can't forget to do those things for ourselves, too._

_Finn_

_P.S. Don’t throw away the bag this came in. There’s a handful of spinebarrel seeds at the bottom. Luke found those in your old AT-AT a few months ago, but I didn't want to plant them just yet. I figured you could hold onto them and maybe one day, we could plant them together. Wherever you want._

In the blistering, close to unbearable heat of the jungle, Rey beams.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i lost some reviewers along the way...sorry if things got messy. i'm hoping the main themes came together in the end. 
> 
> this marks the 1st multi-chapter i've not abandoned, in years. BIG thanks for your support.
> 
> i would love to hear your thoughts and comments on the story overall, and/or suggestions for future one-shots.
> 
> AC

**Author's Note:**

> I'm fairly rusty at this and new to the TFA fandom. Please read and review if you want this continued :)


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